he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
