I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am one with the molecules
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
