you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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