woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
