dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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