Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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