one two three fourrrrnication!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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