The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
