i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
