last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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