I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
