I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
