If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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