This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
