The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
