We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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