I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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