Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
