i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
