wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
