just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
