just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
