We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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