I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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