You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
