I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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