Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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