I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
