no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
