The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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