I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
