i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You are the jesus of drinking
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
