My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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