TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
