he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
