went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
