My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
