Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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