please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
