see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize