he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
