My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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