Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My ATM looks so different sober.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
