Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
