I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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