either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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