Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
