i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
