she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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