Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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