My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
