I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
