we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
