tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
