Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
