If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
