I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There was a lot of him and a little penis
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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