you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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